I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*