the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
A little too much information.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.