Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
everyone’s a critic
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.