STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!