This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]