Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
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Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing