Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
You Might Also Like
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
*seductively peels off lederhosen
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
checking out some reviews of my local library
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.