I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Bro what is this
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Can Happiness buy money?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”