Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
How it started: How it’s going:
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.