Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
You Might Also Like
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.