As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.