My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
shut up and take my money
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.