I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
an octopus is just a wet spider
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag