*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The 6 types of sex
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*eats only grass-fed donuts