ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
lol
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.