person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I enjoy a good short stor
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan