It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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good let them take over I have had enough
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
It’s the weekend y’all
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.