Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“