My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!