who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils