*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
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business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
When the stylist spins you back around
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!