I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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Does beer think about me too?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Worst bar ever.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you