Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
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[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
what?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
They did not miss in the small print
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
giddy up Office Depot
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life