Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
me and who