The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
wish me luck lads
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes