Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Venn
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
the three branches of government
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time