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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.