Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”