Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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who called it hell and not heaven’t
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Not helping