*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I cannot call her anything else now
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.