If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911