As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
when revenge coincides with naptime
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him