Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy