Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Hey I worked for it too!
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.