Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.