i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
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I have never related to a cat more
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
next level snooze
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please