I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Basically.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Every time my phone rings
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some