My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.