Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
#JohnTravolta
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.