don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.