Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”