My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!