DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me