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Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Day 2 of my diet
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.