[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs