Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”