Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*