ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for