My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.