Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
You Might Also Like
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.